I decided my first article for Legacy would be a confession.  I, at times, have been a good, Spirit-led father to my kids.  At other times I have allowed sin to win the day and walked in my flesh without even realizing I was doing it.  Anyone who knows me at all will know that this is a true struggle for me.  An old friend and I had lunch last week and he described me perfectly.  Mike, I remember 20 years ago you were gentle and at the same time fiercely competitive.  It stung a bit at first, but boy was he right about my lifelong challenge!  I will put out another confession soon!

Confession:

I have at times over-connected with my kids

The first time I learned the concept of Friedman’s the well-differentiated self I bristled a little.  He said the healthiest relationships are those where there are good boundaries and that each one is able to enjoy his or her own life without over-connecting with others.  I always thought of love as unity and connection and this approach to healthy relationships was challenging for me to process.  Yet, the longer I am a parent, friend, and spouse the more I understand it.

My kids’ issues are their issues, not necessarily mine.  I am there to help guide them through the process, not take the process from them.  Sick people needed someone healthy to guide them.  Someone once said you are only as happy as your least happy child.  I honestly think this may be largely true, but it sure doesn’t seem good or healthy.  The message it sends is that our children determine our happiness.  That is a lot of pressure for little johnny or little Janie to live into, it is also a lot of pressure for adult children as well. 

In my case, I have gotten way too wrapped up in my children’s successes and too saddened by their struggles.   I often tell people of their accomplishments without even realizing I am doing it or I will subconsciously compare them with other kids.  I have also been enraged by the apparent injustices that they have experienced.  Though the intention might be to connect with them and be proud of them in their shining moments and support them in their struggles, a part of the journey is much more self-serving. 

Were I to be brutally honest, which I am trying to be in this post, part of me wants my kids to do well, not just so they can look good, but so that I will look good.  So that people will see me as valuable and worthwhile.  All for the end hope, that I will find a sense of respect and belonging.  The crazy part is, this is mostly from people I don’t know and often don’t care much about.  The people I do know and care about, really don’t care about my kids’ performances. 

Even if it is so that others will see my kids as good, and has little to do with me, that sets them up to live a life constantly using performance as a means to evaluate worth.  Instead of the love of the game and the fun of competition, it turns into a contest of who will receive approval and be welcomed in and who will be shamed and feel excluded.  I remember the story of a friend’s sports team who had spent five days a week together for four months and worked hard for the coaches, only unfortunately to lose two straight playoff games.  The coaches shamed the kids and didn’t even have a team party to celebrate the joy of the season. I was saddened to hear kids who one year later still didn’t know how to process the shame they felt.  I believe this drive to succeed, to feel significant is especially true in males, but my gymnast daughter, who has three older brothers, has it as well.

How do we get beyond this over connection?

Get yourself together!

First, get a life beyond our kids.  Most families today have shifted into an unhealthy kid-centered dynamic.  My wife and I like to be upfront and present at everything! Children’s “activities” run our calendars, our thoughts, and our lives, they are our joys.  Especially with four kids, this has been a challenge for my wife and me.  It is natural to “divide and conquer” most nights, rather than the two of us staying connected as the centerpiece of the family.  Parents should have hobbies and things they enjoy too.  This doesn’t mean we can’t attend games, or shouldn’t or that we don’t support our kids, but it means that we let our kids enjoy their fun things and we enjoy ours.  In an ideal world, our kids would know that we enjoy them, not just their accomplishments.   I would love to hear any ideas you have found that have worked for you, please post them in the comments.

Try coaching your kids more and directing less

One of the marks of a great coach is the ability to let others determine the questions they want answers to and whenever possible help them to discover the answers themselves.  As an example when I push my kids to work on something so they can do better, it works in the short term but fails in the long term.  But, when I help my kids see the situation and help them determine how they want to address the situation, all of a sudden they are invested.  If I can take it a step further and help them set a goal, then we can work on a plan to help them achieve “their” goal.  If I can take it a step further and help them institute rewards and consequences then I have successfully empowered them.  My role is to help them do what they want, not manipulate them into doing something I want, kids see right through that.  (Obviously, this works better with older kids than younger ones).

Know the gospel yourself

Even more important than developing hobbies and activities or coaching instead of directing, if you are Christian, is recognizing the gospel in your life.  The core desire of your soul is to be included and wanted, despite your performance, this is also your child’s desire.  The gospel of Jesus Christ at its core is inclusion.   Ephesians 1:13-14 tells us that we, who are followers of Jesus, are not only included but that God has given us the Holy Spirit to remind us that we are included and belong to Him.  We belong to God, not based on what we have done, but on faith, based on what Christ has done.  And though we may struggle to feel included all the time, it is a truth that will one day be seen and known by us all.  “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation. When you believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, 14 who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession—to the praise of his glory.”  This means that our heart’s deepest desires are now being met through Christ drawing us near and including us in His family.  If you are satisfied with being included in Christ you will not have the same struggle to consciously or subconsciously find acceptance in the world and will radically impact your relationship with your kids.  This would include joining a group of believers somewhere who will joyfully include you in life.

Preach the gospel all the time

Kids more than anything need to hear and see the gospel of Jesus Christ, especially in today’s culture.  They need to constantly be assured of God’s love for them and empowered to live into that love on a daily basis.  As parents, our main job is to teach and give our kids experiences that cement the gospel into their lives.  Or else they may end up just like us, Lord have mercy!

I will never forget a man coming up to me after a sermon when I was describing my hopes and dreams to disciple my kids.  He informed me that I was making a big mistake and that kids should be raised to choose for themselves.  His point, I believe, was that if you are too pushy the kids will rebel.  But inside of me I felt like he was telling me to not give my kids water because they might prefer sewage or gasoline instead.  What parent would do that? I would rather have my kids know the truth of Christianity and reject it than to not have shared the truth at all. But this is HARD!

I started the podcast Teen Nuggets to help me walk with my teenagers through a gospel-centered life.  We listen to it together and then dialogue about it.  So far, so good. Maybe it will help them know where to drink and help them stay off the sewage and gasoline. I would encourage you to use it as a resource for dialogue with your own kids.

It is also important to say that these gospel lessons are often more caught than taught.  I started the Daily Nugget podcast to help adults live into the Christian faith every day.  What we do speaks ten times louder than what we say. I would encourage any of you who want to grow yourself personally to check it out. Both Nuggets are on Itunes and also available at www.Dailynugget.org.

Anyway, that is my confession and my struggle.  Sometimes I just love my kids too much, or do I love myself too much?  I want more than anything for them to succeed.  Yet, sometimes I forget that reinforcing their identity in Christ through my words and actions is more important than anything. 

If you have found anything else that helps you, I would love to hear it!